This isn't so hard...

What I want from a guy that is:

-communication at least once a day (email, text, phone call, seeing each other)
-some affection/warmth
-FUN!
-spend time together
-a 'good night' every night
-cuddling
-good conversation
-meeting important people in each of our lives (family, friends, etc)

Yup, that's it in no particular order. Doesn't seem so hard yet I couldn't get it for the last four years. Not settling anymore. I need to worry about me and what I want and need...

Breaking Point-but when?

I think I've reached a breaking point. I think my brain has melted down. My heart PHYSICALLY hurts me....

Why? Back to the guy. Well, here's a list, yes a list of reasons why:

1. Haven't met his parents.
2. Feel he's in love with his best friend-when brought up didn't say a word. (silence to me says it all)
3. not affectionate at all
4. hardly see him anymore
5. hardly talk to him anymore
6. he always brings up the past and throw things back in my face
7. I've heard the word love about 3 times in 4 years (no i don't believe in overusing it but come on!)
8. talk about marriage without meeting parents (doesn't work for me)
9. is not affectionate to me, would he be to our kids one day? (unacceptable to not be)

I have to do this. This I know. The holidays are coming and I have a surprise 30th birthday party that I have been planning my ass off for. I know what I have to do, the question is when to best execute it....

When Enough is Enough

So I've been feeling pretty crappy since Thanksgiving. Why? Well, the glimmer of hope I had about the man and I progressing was shattered. I know to some that might sound dramatic, but I have this pit in my stomach feeling that was the first, last, and only shot I had to meeting those parents. The worst part is-I didn't even get a say in not going. I freakin' volunteered to drive to the boonies of upper Jersey so he could study more just to meet these people who, according to him, are not accepting of anyone other than their own kind, Asian.

I feel like I took three steps forward when he asked if I would go and now with this, twenty steps back. So, do I stick it out even with all these feelings running through me. On one hand I feel like I have put in so much in the past four years and I'm not asking for the world. On the other hand I try to think maybe, just maybe, it will happen and I just need to wait it out. (Although I think the second is just wishful thinking and hoping it will all work out.)

But when is enough exactly enough?

YES! YES! YES!

So, since I last wrote, or should I say vented, an AMAZING thing happened. I finally got my wish. My guy finally said I would meet his parents on the day after turkey day. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This is what I've wanted for so long. I have pretty much fought with my guy since the 9 or so month mark. I figure maybe he wanted to wait to see if I was a 'keeper' or something. I didn't really blame him because some people don't want random dater tyoe people meeting the family. But after that long, don't you know to a degree if I will be around a while?

He once said to me, "You'll know you're getting the ring once you meet my parents. The next day, it's guaranteed." It's not even the fact that I know this means he's thinking of marriage. I mean could I marry him, sure, maybe one day but not yet. I know this is a step towards the right direction but I feel as though we need to move in a certain direction with many aspects of our relationships before I can even consider marriage but that's a whole other blog post.

The most important factor in all this for me is that, as stupid as it sounds, I finally feel as though I know for sure he truly loves me because he's willing to take this step which I know is hard for him.

Next step comes: what to wear, what to bring, etc, etc....so nerve-wracking, yet SO exciting. I always do well with parents so I'm trying to think of it like that. If they're not the nicest to me, that's ok because I love him and he's more important to me. I will kill em with kindness :o). (Hope I won't have to!)

What's the big deal?

Ok, so I have been dating this guy for almost four years and have a HUGE issue that keeps weighing on my mind. I haven't told most of my friends for fear of how they might view him. I know they love me and will treat me the same, but I don't know how they would react to knowing this. I know, what is this? Well, I have yet to meet his parents. Yup. Let that one soak in....

It gets worse. They don't even know he has a girlfriend!! Why? Well, I have been given 'reasons' which I deem to be excuses. I have been to his parents house, but of course they were not home! So back to said reasons:

1. I am NOT chinese and he is.
2. His mother doesn't like the idea of girls in general whether they are friends or not
3. His mother ripped his ex gf a new one when they met by accident
4. He doesn't want to put me through any bad experience

To me, all this means is that he doesn't have a pair to stand up to his parents and say, "Hey mom and dad, I have this awesome gf who is not chinese BUT I think if you give her a chance you will see how great she is."

I have too much vested in this and family is too important to me. It makes my mind wonder:
-What's he hiding from them?
-What's he hiding from me?
-Is he ashamed of me?
_Will he lose out on an inheritance should he date and/or marry someone other than a Chinese girl?
-Will his parents disown him should he date and/or marry someone other than a Chinese girl?

.....I just don't understand, what's the big deal?