This isn't so hard...

What I want from a guy that is:

-communication at least once a day (email, text, phone call, seeing each other)
-some affection/warmth
-FUN!
-spend time together
-a 'good night' every night
-cuddling
-good conversation
-meeting important people in each of our lives (family, friends, etc)

Yup, that's it in no particular order. Doesn't seem so hard yet I couldn't get it for the last four years. Not settling anymore. I need to worry about me and what I want and need...

Breaking Point-but when?

I think I've reached a breaking point. I think my brain has melted down. My heart PHYSICALLY hurts me....

Why? Back to the guy. Well, here's a list, yes a list of reasons why:

1. Haven't met his parents.
2. Feel he's in love with his best friend-when brought up didn't say a word. (silence to me says it all)
3. not affectionate at all
4. hardly see him anymore
5. hardly talk to him anymore
6. he always brings up the past and throw things back in my face
7. I've heard the word love about 3 times in 4 years (no i don't believe in overusing it but come on!)
8. talk about marriage without meeting parents (doesn't work for me)
9. is not affectionate to me, would he be to our kids one day? (unacceptable to not be)

I have to do this. This I know. The holidays are coming and I have a surprise 30th birthday party that I have been planning my ass off for. I know what I have to do, the question is when to best execute it....

When Enough is Enough

So I've been feeling pretty crappy since Thanksgiving. Why? Well, the glimmer of hope I had about the man and I progressing was shattered. I know to some that might sound dramatic, but I have this pit in my stomach feeling that was the first, last, and only shot I had to meeting those parents. The worst part is-I didn't even get a say in not going. I freakin' volunteered to drive to the boonies of upper Jersey so he could study more just to meet these people who, according to him, are not accepting of anyone other than their own kind, Asian.

I feel like I took three steps forward when he asked if I would go and now with this, twenty steps back. So, do I stick it out even with all these feelings running through me. On one hand I feel like I have put in so much in the past four years and I'm not asking for the world. On the other hand I try to think maybe, just maybe, it will happen and I just need to wait it out. (Although I think the second is just wishful thinking and hoping it will all work out.)

But when is enough exactly enough?