What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier :oP!!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Maturity
As I mature, I've learned the following:
~You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
~No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
~It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
~You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that you better have a big penis or huge boobs.
~You shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think. (They just hide it better!)
~You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
~We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
~Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
Hope the list made you laugh, or at least smile!
~You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
~No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
~It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
~You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that you better have a big penis or huge boobs.
~You shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think. (They just hide it better!)
~You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
~We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
~Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
Hope the list made you laugh, or at least smile!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Women
Got this in an email...you may or may not have seen these, but they are too funny not to share...
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on t! he back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she r! eplied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" !
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies,
"No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she! fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........
"HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM”
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on t! he back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she r! eplied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" !
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies,
"No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she! fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........
"HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM”
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Friday, May 12, 2006
True Heroes
"Where are the heroes of today?" a radio talk show host thundered.
He blames society's shortcomings on education. Too many people are looking for heroes in all the wrong places. Movie stars, rock musicians, athletes, and models aren't heroes; they're celebrities.
Heroes abound in public schools, a fact that doesn't make the news.
There is no precedent for the level of violence, drugs, broken homes, child abuse, and crime in today's America. Education didn't create these problems but deals with them every day.
You want heroes?
Consider Dave Sanders, the schoolteacher shot to death while trying to shield his students from two youths on a shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Sanders gave his life, along with 12 students, and other less heralded heroes survived the Colorado blood bath.
You want heroes?
Jane Smith, a Fayetteville, NC teacher, was moved by the plight of one of her students, a boy dying for want of a kidney transplant. So this woman told the family of a 14 year old boy that she would give him one of her kidneys. And she did. When they subsequently appeared together hugging on the Today Show, even Katie Couric was near tears.
You want heroes?
Doris Dillon dreamed all her life of being a teacher. She not only made it, she was one of those wondrous teachers who could bring the best out of every single child. One of her fellow teachers in San Jose, CA said, "She could teach a rock to read." Suddenly she was stricken with Lou Gehrig's Disease which is always fatal, usually within five years. She asked to stay on job ... and did. When her voice was affected she communicated by computer. Did she go home? Absolutely not! She is running two elementary school
libraries! When the disease was diagnosed, she wrote the staff and all the families that she had one last lesson to teach.... that dying is part of living. Her colleagues named her Teacher of the Year.
You want heroes?
Bob House, a teacher in Gay, Georgia, tried out for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. After he won the million dollars, a network film crew wanted to follow up to see how it had impacted his life. New cars? Big new house? Instead, they found both Bob House and his wife still teaching. They explained that it was what they had always wanted to do with their lives and that would not change. The community was both stunned and gratified.
You want heroes?
Last year the average school teacher spent $468 of their own money for student necessities ... workbooks, pencils supplies kids had to have but could not afford. That's a lot of money from the pockets of the most poorly paid teachers in the industrial world. Schools don't teach values? The critics are dead wrong. Public education provides more Sunday School teachers than any other profession. The average teacher works more hours in nine months than the average 40-hour employee does in a year.
You want heroes?
For millions of kids, the hug they get from a teacher is the only hug they will get that day because the nation is living through the worst parenting in history. An Argyle, Texas kindergarten teacher hugs her little 5 and 6 year-olds so much that both the boys and the girls run up and hug her when they see her in the hall, at the football games, or in the malls years later.
A Michigan principal moved me to tears with the story of her attempt to rescue a badly abused little boy who doted on a stuffed animal on her desk one that said "I love you!" He said he'd never been told that at home. This is a constant in today's societytwo million unwanted, unloved, abused children in the public schools, the only institution that takes them all in.
You want heroes?
Visit any special education class and watch the miracle of personal interaction, a job so difficult that fellow teachers are awed by the dedication they witness. There is a sentence from an unnamed source which says: "We have been so eager to give our children what we didn't have that we have neglected to give them what we did."
What is it that our kids really need? What do they really want?
Math, science, history and social studies are important, but children need love, confidence, encouragement, someone to talk to, someone to listen, and standards to live by. Teachers provide upright examples, the faith and assurance of responsible people.
You want heroes?
Then go down to your local school and see our real live heroes. The ones changing lives for the better each and every day!
Now, pass this on to someone you know who's a teacher, or to someone who should thank a teacher today. I'd like to see this sent to all those who cut down the importance of teachers. They have no idea who a public school teacher is or what they do.
He blames society's shortcomings on education. Too many people are looking for heroes in all the wrong places. Movie stars, rock musicians, athletes, and models aren't heroes; they're celebrities.
Heroes abound in public schools, a fact that doesn't make the news.
There is no precedent for the level of violence, drugs, broken homes, child abuse, and crime in today's America. Education didn't create these problems but deals with them every day.
You want heroes?
Consider Dave Sanders, the schoolteacher shot to death while trying to shield his students from two youths on a shooting rampage at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Sanders gave his life, along with 12 students, and other less heralded heroes survived the Colorado blood bath.
You want heroes?
Jane Smith, a Fayetteville, NC teacher, was moved by the plight of one of her students, a boy dying for want of a kidney transplant. So this woman told the family of a 14 year old boy that she would give him one of her kidneys. And she did. When they subsequently appeared together hugging on the Today Show, even Katie Couric was near tears.
You want heroes?
Doris Dillon dreamed all her life of being a teacher. She not only made it, she was one of those wondrous teachers who could bring the best out of every single child. One of her fellow teachers in San Jose, CA said, "She could teach a rock to read." Suddenly she was stricken with Lou Gehrig's Disease which is always fatal, usually within five years. She asked to stay on job ... and did. When her voice was affected she communicated by computer. Did she go home? Absolutely not! She is running two elementary school
libraries! When the disease was diagnosed, she wrote the staff and all the families that she had one last lesson to teach.... that dying is part of living. Her colleagues named her Teacher of the Year.
You want heroes?
Bob House, a teacher in Gay, Georgia, tried out for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. After he won the million dollars, a network film crew wanted to follow up to see how it had impacted his life. New cars? Big new house? Instead, they found both Bob House and his wife still teaching. They explained that it was what they had always wanted to do with their lives and that would not change. The community was both stunned and gratified.
You want heroes?
Last year the average school teacher spent $468 of their own money for student necessities ... workbooks, pencils supplies kids had to have but could not afford. That's a lot of money from the pockets of the most poorly paid teachers in the industrial world. Schools don't teach values? The critics are dead wrong. Public education provides more Sunday School teachers than any other profession. The average teacher works more hours in nine months than the average 40-hour employee does in a year.
You want heroes?
For millions of kids, the hug they get from a teacher is the only hug they will get that day because the nation is living through the worst parenting in history. An Argyle, Texas kindergarten teacher hugs her little 5 and 6 year-olds so much that both the boys and the girls run up and hug her when they see her in the hall, at the football games, or in the malls years later.
A Michigan principal moved me to tears with the story of her attempt to rescue a badly abused little boy who doted on a stuffed animal on her desk one that said "I love you!" He said he'd never been told that at home. This is a constant in today's societytwo million unwanted, unloved, abused children in the public schools, the only institution that takes them all in.
You want heroes?
Visit any special education class and watch the miracle of personal interaction, a job so difficult that fellow teachers are awed by the dedication they witness. There is a sentence from an unnamed source which says: "We have been so eager to give our children what we didn't have that we have neglected to give them what we did."
What is it that our kids really need? What do they really want?
Math, science, history and social studies are important, but children need love, confidence, encouragement, someone to talk to, someone to listen, and standards to live by. Teachers provide upright examples, the faith and assurance of responsible people.
You want heroes?
Then go down to your local school and see our real live heroes. The ones changing lives for the better each and every day!
Now, pass this on to someone you know who's a teacher, or to someone who should thank a teacher today. I'd like to see this sent to all those who cut down the importance of teachers. They have no idea who a public school teacher is or what they do.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
The "Rules"
Thought this may help some of you out...I got it from a friend and added my own two cents in :o)
I find it quite amusing! Enjoy!
Guys Facts:
When a guy calls you
he wants to be with you
*he probably left something at your house and needs it back*
When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...
*he is thinking about having sex*
When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong
*he is thinking about having sex OR he thinks that if he just stops arguing the girls will shut the hell up and let it go*
When a guy says, "I'm fine," after a few minutes,
he means it
*you interupted his thoughts of having sex*
When a guy stares at you,
he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world
*you probably have a booger sticking out of your nose OR an eye crusty that's the size of a boulder*
When you're laying your head on a guy's chest
he has the world
*he is trying desperately to cop a feel w/o getting bitch-slapped*
When a guy calls you everyday
he is in love
*he is probably a stalker OR desperate...run* (unless you're into that sorta thing)
When a (good) guy say he loves you
he means it
*First, define "good guy"? lol...OR he is trying to have sex with you*
When a guy says he can't live without you
he's with you till your done
*he is lying through his teeth to get on your good side OR he is trying to have sex with you*
When a guy says, "I miss you,"
he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else
*he misses getting affection and most especially the sex with you*
Girl facts:
When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.
*she is probably really angry...run*
When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.
*check her pulse...she is probably dead*
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.
*she thinks you are cheating, she doesn't trust you*
When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.
*run...just run, don't ask questions*
When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.
*you probably have a booger coming out of your nose or an eye crusty the size of a boulder*
When a girl lays on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
*she is trying to get close to you w/o freaking you out and making you run*
When a girl calls you everyday,
she is seeking for your attention.
*she is probably a stalker...running is a good idea here, too*
When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she wants to be pampered.
*see last response*
When a girl says, "I'll love you forever,"
she means it.
*she won't ever leave you alone...run*
When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.
*run..quickly and don't look back*
When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more than that
*she misses you*
**NOTE this is purely for fun...if you are really in love and think I'm full of crap then oh well it's meant to be a joke...if you believe what I wrote then whoa! and if you just enjoyed this then good, that was the point!"
I find it quite amusing! Enjoy!
Guys Facts:
When a guy calls you
he wants to be with you
*he probably left something at your house and needs it back*
When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...
*he is thinking about having sex*
When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong
*he is thinking about having sex OR he thinks that if he just stops arguing the girls will shut the hell up and let it go*
When a guy says, "I'm fine," after a few minutes,
he means it
*you interupted his thoughts of having sex*
When a guy stares at you,
he thinks you're the most beautiful thing in the world
*you probably have a booger sticking out of your nose OR an eye crusty that's the size of a boulder*
When you're laying your head on a guy's chest
he has the world
*he is trying desperately to cop a feel w/o getting bitch-slapped*
When a guy calls you everyday
he is in love
*he is probably a stalker OR desperate...run* (unless you're into that sorta thing)
When a (good) guy say he loves you
he means it
*First, define "good guy"? lol...OR he is trying to have sex with you*
When a guy says he can't live without you
he's with you till your done
*he is lying through his teeth to get on your good side OR he is trying to have sex with you*
When a guy says, "I miss you,"
he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else
*he misses getting affection and most especially the sex with you*
Girl facts:
When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.
*she is probably really angry...run*
When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.
*check her pulse...she is probably dead*
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.
*she thinks you are cheating, she doesn't trust you*
When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.
*run...just run, don't ask questions*
When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.
*you probably have a booger coming out of your nose or an eye crusty the size of a boulder*
When a girl lays on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
*she is trying to get close to you w/o freaking you out and making you run*
When a girl calls you everyday,
she is seeking for your attention.
*she is probably a stalker...running is a good idea here, too*
When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she wants to be pampered.
*see last response*
When a girl says, "I'll love you forever,"
she means it.
*she won't ever leave you alone...run*
When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.
*run..quickly and don't look back*
When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more than that
*she misses you*
**NOTE this is purely for fun...if you are really in love and think I'm full of crap then oh well it's meant to be a joke...if you believe what I wrote then whoa! and if you just enjoyed this then good, that was the point!"
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